The Last Week of My 3rd Decade
I woke up this morning and sat down with my breakfast shake to meditate. I looked at the date and realized that today is the last Monday I’ll have in my 30’s.
I turn 40 this Friday.
For a while, I was dreading 40. I’ve kind of run the gambit of emotions about it this past year. Today though, I’ve been reflecting on the past decade and I realize that my 40’s are going to be pretty great, because they have to be better than my 20’s and 30’s.
Everyone knows your 20’s are total crap. I mean, let’s be honest, your 20’s are basically an extension of high school and all of the drama that comes with it. The insecurities and the overwhelming feeling of not knowing what the hell you are doing all the time can really make a person want to stay in bed all day. The only problem with that is that you just look so damn good in your 20’s that you want to get out there and show everyone what you’ve got, so anxiety be damned… you get out there and you make all of the mistakes. ALL THE MISTAKES.
Then you get to your 30’s. Time to be a grown up. Except… no one has really taught you how to be a grown up and there is NO WAY you are going to call your mom and tell her you don’t know what you are doing. You are going to figure this thing out if it kills you.
Here’s a little secret that I’ve figured out about being an adult, not a single person knows what the hell they are doing. Even the people you look at and think, “That guy is running a company, has a family, he wears a suit every day. I bet he knows what he’s doing.”
No.
No, he doesn’t. He’s just as terrified that someone is going to figure out he’s full of crap and faking this whole thing as you are. He just got luckier than you did.
Trust me, no one knows what they are doing.
In that spirit of collaboration and this realization, I’ve compiled a list of pointers that can help all of us. This is by no means a complete handbook to adulthood, but they are tried and true by yours truly. You’re welcome.
Here goes:
1. Your kids are more important than…
Everyone always thinks there will be more time with their kids. In the past 3 years, I’ve moved 2 kids off to college and next year I have 2 more going. I always thought I would have more time for the vacations, for the quality time, for the memories I wanted to make. Then the kids are gone and you realized you don’t get another chance at that. Make the memories. Hug them until they tell you to stop and then don’t stop. Tell them how proud you are of them every day. Make them talk to you. Don’t let them off the hook with a shoulder shrug. The laundry can wait. The dishes can wait. Your job isn’t more important than this and if you work for someone who thinks it is, find another job. Also, don’t hide things from your kids. Teach them about money. Teach them how to fight fair in relationships. Show them the good, bad and ugly in life so they know they can’t just throw something away because it’s hard. Good things in life are actually a lot of work.
1b. Call your parents/grandparents/siblings
No one ever wants to make time for this, but I’ve lost a lot of people in my life and it’s made me realize that, like the time you get with your kids, you don’t get time back with the people who raised you either. Make the call. Visit. Talk to them about all the things you’ll want to know when they are gone. Say all the things you want them to know.
2. Don’t compare your blooper reel to everyone else’s highlight reel
Look, I get it, social media makes it seem like everyone is going on an exotic vacation and lives in a show house with perfect kids and spouses. They all have 6 packs too.
That’s a line of bullshit that we’ve allowed society to sell us.
Beyoncé did not just “wake up like that”. She has a team of people making her look like that and I bet there are days when she wishes she was still that anonymous girl in Houston who could go to the mall without body guards.
I spent the biggest portion of my 30’s chasing the money, the body, the house, the car, the perfect whatever…. Then I got a lot of what I was after and realized, money goes as fast as you make it. No matter how beautiful the house, it still gets dirty and isn’t always perfect. The car gets you from point A to point B just like the one next to you in traffic that might not be as nice but also isn’t as expensive. The perfect marriage still takes work and there are rough days from time to time. Those 6 pack abs are nice for a couple of pictures, but if you want to enjoy your life and do things other than meal prep and workout, they are impossible to maintain.
There’s no such thing as the perfect anything in life.
Life is messy. It’s perfectly imperfect and there is so much beauty in it that doesn’t require a filter. Enjoy the mess. Enjoy the imperfections.
3. Do the things
If I ever die in a way that requires a forensic anthropologist to look at my bones, they will have no idea what killed me. I have done so many things in my life and my body shows the wear and tear. There are days when I wake up and my body feels MUCH older than it is. I have had far more injuries than the normal person, especially a female non-professional athlete. Think Lindsay Vonn level injuries. I do not regret a single one of them. I have done things most people would never do and I did them well (for the most part). I never let anyone tell me I couldn’t do something because I am a girl or because I’m small. I figured out a way.
Do the things.
4. Get up early and spend time alone
I didn’t learn this one until a few months ago. I used to try to get up early, but it was IMPOSSIBLE for me to do so. I was so exhausted all the time. I spent so much time working 3 jobs at a time that my body was literally exhausted for years afterward.
Recently though, I’ve decided that being disciplined with my mornings and selfish with my alone time gives me freedom later in the day to do the things I need to do for my job and as a wife and mom.
I wake up earlier than everyone else and I read my devotional and write in my journal and meditate for a while. I use an app called Headspace that has several different programs for whatever you are going through in life. Learning to meditate has started me on the path of learning more about myself and how my mind works. It’s interesting to start paying attention to the thoughts rolling around in your brain. See your emotions as living beings that you can interact with or not. It has changed my life and my perspective on so many things. I think it has also helped my relationships. Rather than acting out on whatever emotion I have bubbling up inside of me, I take the time to think about it and react more appropriately.
5. Be disciplined but balanced
In the paragraph above I mentioned how discipline brings freedom to my life. I truly believe that. I make a point to get my workout bag ready every night before bed so I don’t have an excuse the next morning. I have a routine every day to help me with that discipline.
However, I also do my best to balance that out. If I have a day where there is a work meeting or an event at my kid’s school or something going on with my husband, I don’t panic. Life happens. You have to roll with the punches. Just recognizing that and making sure that you get back to your disciplined habits as soon as you can is what is important. Be disciplined but not rigid.
6. Learn to be comfortable being alone
When I was single I never minded doing things alone but I know a lot of people are uncomfortable with it. I think it’s important to learn to be comfortable alone.
Take yourself on a date.
Learn to like yourself for who you are without a partner.
Trust me, if you actually like yourself, you’ll be a better partner anyway.
7. Let go of what doesn’t serve you
Look at your life objectively.
If you are in a relationship with someone who treats you in a way you wouldn’t want your child/sibling/friend being treated, get out of that relationship.
If you are in a job that crushes your soul, find what sets your soul on fire and do that.
If you have things you want to change, figure out how to change them. Stop complaining. Just do it.
If you are carrying around old grudges, bitterness, or anger, let that shit go! It’s weighing you down and coloring your world. It’s hard to go forward in life with all of that and it isn’t hurting anyone else but you.
Change the story that you tell yourself about your life and your future and create the one you want to live.
Find someone you trust and take their advice. Don’t just ask for it and not act on it. Stop wasting people’s time and do something about your situation. People on the outside of our lives can offer advice that we can’t see. They are impartial without the emotional baggage tied to our issues. It’s not going to be easy, but nothing worth anything is ever easy. Do the hard work.
8. Have courage
Courage is my word for this year. Everyone is after happiness in this short life we have. Well the only way to get it is to find freedom and the only path to freedom is through courageous acts. My courageous acts might be different than yours. Maybe it’s starting a new career. Maybe it’s a new relationship. Maybe it’s forgiving someone. Maybe it’s trying something you’ve never done but always wanted to. Whatever it is… have the courage to try. What a waste it would be to make it to the end of your life and have regrets. You only get one shot at this life. You might get 8 decades, if you’re lucky. Make them count. No more fear based living.
“Be Bold and Mighty Forces Will Come to Your Aid”- Goethe